This is my best side.

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Sway.

I’m just happy to get to relax in a week. I don’t have to worry about how I act around this person, I can let my guard down. I’ve gotten to the point where I just throw all the things that are wrong with me up against the wall. I’m up front about the awkwardness in some situations. The social anxiety I get sometimes. I don’t want to call it depression, because I’m okay now, it comes in horrible spurts. From being average, and things being okay for a while, to not being able to handle everything, and feeling like nothing is ever going to be okay, like I can’t fix anything. It’s been a year since I said I was going to get professional help. But it just doesn’t seem that bad right now.
We’re hanging out for a bit. I’m mainly happy that what we’re doing is just getting high and sharing music. This has got to be my favourite thing in the world. There are no expectations, this is a new friend, no pressures, just learning about each other. Which is nice. And not thinking for a little while.
I think I’m going to call the number a friend gave me, for depression help, tomorrow.

Tags: high music marijuana sway relax depression

February 19, 2012

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i'm infinite: Is it just me or....

ginger-baby:

….are more and more people young people becoming depressed and suicidal?

I ask this because some of my followers who are younger than me have messaged me and asked for help to which I gladly obliged. I’ve also seen things on here and twitter about young women thinking of taking their lives.

But,…

I guess what I want to mostly get across is that you can’t understand depression until you’ve been that unhappy. It’s hard to really compare your life with another persons, mainly because there are two major factors. The life, and situation they’ve been given, and their ability to handle it. These are two things that you can’t really compare. There are a lot of different factors. Depression is not only the situation around you, but your genetic disposition to depression. Some people are just more likely to become depressed regardless of situation. I’m the same age as you. And I can say that I do deal with depression, and yes, it does get better. But it also can get worse. And it’s not always just high school. Depression is much more than ‘it will get better’, it’s about finding the help you need. Finding ways to fix your situation, finding people to talk to, getting professional help. Or ending it all. Nothing is worse than a horrible mix of hopelessness and not having anyone you trust.

Tags: suicide depression depressed suicidal

February 12, 2012

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The reasons you should be out of my life are about the same as the reasons I’d like to keep you in it.
5 years. Our friendship grew to be something I’m proud of. You are still the best friend I’ve ever had. And that says a little for someone so far away. I’m not confused about why I feel this way. 7 years of friendship, and to have felt for the most part I could be one hundred percent honest with you, it’s nice. Far more than nice.
But realistically, no matter how much I care about you, the distance from here to there, it’s static. And life never matches up. There will never be a time where this has a chance to work. And this isn’t healthy for any relationship I try to maintain.
And to have someone control my feelings so directly, is the worst feeling in the world. And I know you said things would change, and you wouldn’t just stop talking to me, and leaving me to guess if it’s something I’ve done wrong. And I want to believe that. And I told you I did, but I guess I’m getting used to this pattern. I’m getting used to this. Maybe it’s for the best. I guess I’m just waiting for that big disappointment.

December 17, 2011

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There must be something seriously wrong with me. It is not normal to feel like this so often.
I don’t want to bother anyone with this.
I don’t want to be the person who always has to rely on others to feel better.
I don’t want to feel like this.
I don’t want to feel like the world is crashing down on top of me.
I don’t want to feel like I can not handle anything.

April 02, 2011

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I think I might just be crazy.

Or human.
I can not think straight. There are too many things going on. Too many options.

All the more reason to stay in bed.

I have no real friends anymore. Bridges have long since burnt. The few I still have, care too much.

The future scares me too much. Too many things to go wrong, too many things that have to go right.

April 02, 2011

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